My Pill Journey


(dramatic music) – [Voiceover] I had my first panic attack when I was 17 years old. My body went into “Fight or Flight” mode. Jokes on me, ’cause I was actually on an airplane flight when it happened. Was it claustrophobia? Was it bad wiring? Was it subconscious trauma? I had so many questions, but one stood above them all. During that flight, my mom gave me my first
10 milligram Valium. It made me feel like I was flying. Thus began my journey to try to fix the feelings
I didn’t understand. Some people struggle
with their mental health. And out of us, only one in five take medication to help balance out the chemicals in our brains. When you’re not feeling physically well, you go to a doctor, so if your brain isn’t feeling well, you go to a doctor, right? Wrong. Only roughly one-third of people with a mental illness seek
any form of treatment. But I desperately wanted
to figure this out, because I sure as hell
didn’t like the way I felt and I didn’t care who knew it. Well, maybe I cared a little. I was afraid of telling my friends that sometimes I felt like I was dying. Physically and emotionally. Physically, I was treating my body. I was on 10, then 20
milligrams of Lexapro, an SSRI, and .5 milligrams of Xanax a magical little pill to treat anxiety and depression. I started going to therapy. I had good days and bad days and really bad days. My anxiety attacks became persistent, and so, I was prescribed a higher dosage of that magical pill Xanax. Yet, I was still feeling depressed. We tried something different. I was switched off Lexapro and Xanax and on to Mirtazapine and Ativan. I took Mirtazapine at night, and if I didn’t go to
bed within 20 minutes of taking it, I would
everying in my sight. I learned good medication
can have bad side effects. When I gained a bunch of weight, my therapist weaned me off of Mirtazapine and onto another fun little
pill called Lamictal. Lamictal is a series of anti-seizure pills also used to treat the mood swings of Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder. Getting a definitive diagnosis meant that there had to be a cure, right? Hope. What a misleading drug in itself. When my moods fluxuated out of control, I’d take my safety medication, Ativan. And another, and another, and what are these, sugar pills? I thought getting a diagnosis
was going to come with a fix, but I didn’t feel fixed. I tried to fix everything externally to fix an internal problem. I switched jobs, therapists, colleges, took more Ativan. My new psychiatrist added
Wellbutrin to my cocktail and Jesus, this was getting expensive. What is the price of happiness? My insurance wouldn’t
cover the cost of Lamictal so I switched to Trazodone, and Wellbutrin wasn’t
giving me energy and focus the way the doctor said
it was supposed to, so he weaned me off the Wellbutrin. Adult ADHD, which apparently is a thing, was added as a diagnosis and I was given different
types of ADHD medications to my assembly line to try. Therapy seemed to be working. I read articles about celebrities
who were talking openly about their anxiety and depression. I had good days and bad days
and less really bad days. I was buying self-help books and researching breathing techniques. I was eating healthy, losing
weight, sleeping well, and faking it when I had to and then, life happened. Smacked me in the face and right off my tracks because a guy I loved broke up with me. The threat of unpredictability is the scariest part when something depressing happens to someone with depression. I developed an addiction to my safety net, my Ativan medication, and I had to take another
pill called Suboxone, along with an intensive
outpatient rehab program to get over it. But I didn’t give up. I couldn’t. There are no rights and wrongs when it comes to feelings and moods. They just exist, we just feel. It’s the choices we make on
how to constructively deal with those feelings that define us. Once I wasn’t afraid to talk about it, I started meeting people
who felt the same way I did, I started seeing new doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists who were covered by my insurance and I started Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy. In seven years’ time, seven psychiatrists, four psychologists, countless therapists, two misdiagnoses, over 20 medications. I was finally figuring
my mental illness out. Today, I take three pills. What they are doesn’t matter becuase I’ve learned that that very well could change someday. Finding the medication
that works is a journey, and everyone’s journey
is gonna be different. Our chemicals are different. We are different. I cannot hold myself accountable for what happens with my
depression and anxiety. That I don’t have control over. But I can hold myself accountable for the strength of trying.

100 Replies to “My Pill Journey

  1. I’ve been on Adderall, Xanax, Ambien, Lunesta, Klonopin, Trazodone, Restoril, Remeron, Valium, Ativan, Prazosin, Vistaril, Elavil, Seroquel, Paxil, Zoloft, and some others I’m sure I left out. I just want to be normal.

  2. One pill type, something organic because my parents didn't like alternatives. I'm afraid to tell them it may no longer be working for me. Even more afraid to try something else and be disappointed that it's all just a me problem. That I'll just be given the same old 'you have to help yourself' lecture they had no right to make me memorise. That there will be more if I want to deal with my newfound wealth of anxiety and every tick isn't a real problem, just me.

  3. Wow, I didn't know suboxone was used to help with benzos. I thought it was just for opiate dependence. Thats awesome it can be used for xanax addiction also!!! Proud of you kelsey 😘

  4. Thank you so much for doing these vids that you do! This explains my life, and my friend's life, so well! The journey is insane and not at all fun. It's frustrating and full of despair. But I'm so glad that you hung in there. (I relate to your pain vid as well since I also have TN)

  5. My doctor said it's a trial and error thing. You have to try all these pills until you can find what works for you.

  6. About to go on this crazy journey since I thought weed was helping makes me feel better but now I’m addicted and smoking all the time to avoid feeling depressed. Gonna try antidepressants but scared of what might happen.

  7. Oh my God Kelsey. Thank you I needed this. I haven't got the guts to go to a doctor. I didn't know you have such a journey I always admired you because of your personality well after this video, I salute you Kelsey!

  8. I'm 13.
    I've taken more medications than I could count, probably more than a couple people will take in their lifetime. I've had over 10 doctors and therapists at a time before. Nothing worked. Still struggling, but a bit better

  9. I haven’t ever had the guts to go to a doctor/therapist and I admire you for being strong through all of your stress and struggles

  10. this video is so important ive been on every medicine basically ever and i finally found one that worked so thank you

  11. Basically the pharmaceutical industry is trying to tell you: try as many drugs out until you find the ones that you like!
    But don't use psychedelics/cannabis/open your mind or you will get psychosis!
    Lol…
    F*ck that, what is the pharmacy smoking themselves, meth?

    Like you can fix problems and start feeling happier by just by taking a certain molecule that inhibits the reuptake of certain neurotransmitters…

    Legalize
    Not legal lies

  12. I have bipolar disorder and anxiety. It sucks and I hate it, but it will never go away so I have to learn to live with it.

  13. I've been on many different pills and they helped me in that they made my mind clearer and gave me stability to develop the strenght and the techniques I needed to coexist with my anxiety. However in this journey I've learned that no pill is a definitive solution, just a transitive one for when you can't cope. Of course this is my experience, I know the case for people with more complicated conditions like skitsofrenia or d.i.d is diferent.But ultimately the journey to being mentally healthy is not about finding the right pill, it is more complicated. It is more like finding the right therapist, and the right place for you in the world, and geting rid of toxic people, habits and enviroments, learning to fight you demons on your own, finding self love. A pill might give you help , it might guide you, but it can't do all of that for you. A pill won't create your happiness if you are still living with people who are toxic or memories you can't process. In my personal experience every pill helped in a way then ruined me in another, I am happy that they helped me in a period of my life but I am happier that now I can live without them.

  14. I recently got diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and severe hipocondria, my psychiatrist prescribed me luvox and clonazepam because sertraline was refractory and I'm scared to my core to take the new ones. If anyone has take them I would like to know your experience. It would help me a lot. Thank you.

  15. This sounds a lot like my journey.
    After many different pills, therapists, hospitals, and wrong diagnoses. I think I’m actually finding hope. And I pray it stays with me

  16. I found the orange-white pill (capsule) at my mom room, what pill was that? (It's similar to the capsule at 1:22) I'm worried about my mom, please someone who's know, answer meee

  17. I am on subs right now… currently getting wiened off due to me being on Vicodin for 5 yrs, prescribed dy a doctor like candy. I hate that i wasnt more aware about medicine turning into something more evil.

  18. Prozac helped me alot, I've been on it for nearly 2 years no2 and I am alot more positive now even my friends have noticed.

  19. I’m on Mirtazapine 15mg at the moment for anxiety and depression (starting dose) and the side effects e.g. extreme tiredness and constant hunger are hell (like you said in the video), I seem to eat everything in sight except it’s constant. It’s causing me more stress idk

  20. I feel terrible almost everyday. Some days are better, some other days I literally don't know what's the point in being alive. And then I have fear that one day I would not be able to say "ok, mi suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts, I'm not actually doing anything" I have talked with my closest family and friends about this at my low points, but they think I'm being dramatic, that I take myself too seriously, that I'm just a quitter. I hope they are right, but in the meantime, I feel terrible almost everyday.

  21. I’m 13 years old and I take about 10 pills everyday, I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder…I get sick a lot and I’m rarely happy, my anxiety can make me physically sick, and in the worst circumstances my body will completely shutdown on me

  22. I’m really scared because I don’t want to tell people how I feel because they might think it’s a phase or I’m a schizo (my psychologist thinks so) and I know there are people who have been through worse things like physical symptoms like I can’t

  23. I'm 27 and have experienced suicidal thoughts and self harm since I was about 13. I was depressed for years (it's only occurred to me recently that all of the alcohol and drugs I was using were a way to self-medicate) but only sought help when I was 22. Since then I've been on 6 different anti-depressants and recently started an anti-psychotic in hopes it'll reduce my anxiety. I work in a high-stress job and like to think that I've been successful (managing a business, post-grad qualifications in the healthcare field) but my brain refuses to cooperate. I've lost a friend to suicide and had 2 other friends/family members attempt to take their lives. I've gone from being on top of the world and travelling to some awesome places, to only thinking about how I'd end my life. This can happen to anyone. We need to talk about mental health so nobody slips through the cracks and can become the best version of themselves.

  24. I have had the same journey with pills, and now at 42, the last 8 years, after my father's death, and later my mom's suicide, it all came crashing down again but an extreme I never been through…but with a non-profit secular outreach team visiting the psych ward I was in again…they changed my life…now with cbt, peer specialist, primary dr., and a psych dr. I was able to stabilize and get the support I needed. My mental illnesses are not seen by most, but I know it's there, but now I am not alone. That's what I will always need.

  25. There are so many resources and private liberal places that deal with mental illness, Reach Out/ even if it is just you who knows.

  26. Just got put onto medication today, and it’s scary but I will “hold myself accountable for the strength of trying”. ❤️

  27. Just started meds a few days ago for OCD and depression. After 22 years of managing it somehow I decided enough was enough. We will all get through these struggles

  28. I almost cried when I saw this because about September of 2017 , I've gone through really bad anxiety. I was continuely having lot of panic , and a lots of anxiety attacks and I first went to a hospital where I stayed for 10 days, there they gave me the contact whit a therapist that wouldn't work whit me , meanwhile I was also going to a psychologist and she was helping me a lot . After I quitted my therapist to see another one, (that I went to see for the last time October 2018 ) my mental health started to get better. Now I'm really improved and I was only 11 years old when I went throught all of this , so PLEASE don't say that teens haven't got throught a lot, because It's not always true.
    So…It took me a long time to figure all of this out, but It's just in your head , you can either decide to let it win or let it take control over you . Trust me , I did it, others people did it , YOU CAN do it ❤️

  29. I have bad anxiety and panic attack resulting from my negativity and self loath inner talk everyday. I have been like this for 18 years but I havent taken any meds but seeing pyschoterapy it is not easy. I am glad I have not gotten any new developed worse GAD.

  30. Thank you for being vulnerable and making this video. I can relate to a lot of it. It helps to know that there are others out there who struggle just the same as me and are succeeding in life. Let's tackle the stigma of mental illness.

  31. That… was super helpful.. I’m just starting mine even though I’ve been at therapy for a year I’m finally stopping listening to the stigma and taking meds for my depression

  32. I’m 17 and are presumed to have a personality disorder, as I suffer from psychosis my meds have been changed and changed and none really work but if I stop taking them I’ll have to keep starting new ones

  33. Over the past five years I had begun to have progressively withdraw into a downward spiral of depression. But now w ith this depression treatment “fetching kafon press” (Google it) I can completely concentrate my energy and thoughts into a definitive line on how to make my life better constantly. I am happy and enjoying many social actions..

  34. This is why I'm scared to go. I'm scared to be prescribed me medication that will work for a while and then get prescribed another and then get prescribed another… i dont want to live my life pending on a pill to make me happy sadly that's the truth. I hate the way i feel

  35. Wow. Very Powerful. "But I can hold myself accountable for the strength of trying"
    Struggling to find the strength. Thank you for sharing.

  36. Since last July I started talk therapy but before that, I was struggling to get into it, not because I didn't want to go; health insurance was annoying to figure it out! To be honest, I am scared to get on pills, my therapist told that I didn't need them but my primary doctor was encouraging to try it out… I would like to take a step forward by trying nature supplements like st john warts or even magnesium.

  37. I used to have BAD BAD BAD anxiety and panic attacks. Its so scary because it feels like you can’t breathe. I realized it was because of the things I ate like too much sugar and gluten. I got through it with lots of prayer and never took a pill in my life to fix it.

  38. This makes me nervous about my journey on pills. I just had my dose of Escitalopram reduced, added Vortioxetine and increased my dose for Aripiprazole. Taking 5 different meds a day freaks me out sometimes.

  39. My pill diet in a video the truth behind it all. We are just being fed fake happiness when we can really find happiness within ourselves if we just try. But sometimes we don’t have the strength. That’s ok.

  40. Maarte ka lang tangina ka. I tried Lithium and Respiridone. It didn’t work. I changed doctors 3x.
    I’m now on Duloxetine and Resviritrol. I’ve ordered a herbal medicine for ADHD. I want to try therapy, CBT, Neurofeedback, Opus Dei, CBD Oil, NLP, Oxytocin. Antidepressants remove your emotions. They don’t make you happy.

  41. When this video came out, I didn’t know I had undiagnosed major depression. Today, it’s been a year of trying all sorts of medications but I finally have a handle on it. Thank you Kelsey for sharing your journey.

  42. "today i take 3 pills" okay but you started with 3 pills? also i think they should have tapered you off the ativan. not given you suboxone, suboxone is normally used for severe opiate withdrawal. i guarantee one of the pills she is taking today is suboxone, so now you're technically an opioid addict for benzo withdrawal.

  43. am i the only one who wants to go on these pills, no sorry needs to go on these pills but there parents wont let them ?, my mom went so far as to say a pill that i wanted to go on would make me depressed and gain weight but when i looked it up the pills that i want to go on actully make me losses weight and have nothing to do with being depressed.

  44. "good days bad days really bad days"

    on those really really bad days I always go back to this video. it helps, thanks

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *