♪ [Channel Awesome theme] ♪ ♪ [NC opening] ♪ NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let’s talk about Clockstoppers. Eh. What? Did you think there’s gonna be a bigger introduction than that? You’ve been asking me to do this movie for years and years! What, did you think I was gonna be like; “Oh, this movie makes me so mad! I hate it so much!” It’s Clockstoppers! [stutters] It’s like asking me to get angry at Wallace Shawn! I guess I COULD, but… WHY??? It’s inconceivable! ♪ [generic hip music] ♪ The 2002 Nickelodeon film featured an idea that had been done plenty of times on TV, but never had an entire film focused on it: the idea of moving so fast that everything else around you seems to be still. I’ll admit, I was kind of interested when I saw it was directed by Will Riker himself, Jonathan Frakes, the director of easily the best Star Trek: Next Gen movie. The film came and went pretty quick at the box office, but has gained a bit of a cult following over the years. Enough that people have been asking me for a long time to look it over. NC: Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s certainly stuff to critique and make fun of, but I’m not gonna act like this is a “get angry at the gods” kind of movie. Tamara: Uh, so, speaking of which, Critic, are we needed for this? Malcolm: Yeah, I brought the Chart Guy suit if you needed it. NC: Well, I did have a very expensive sketch idea where you two fly in on a Giant Eagle of Not-Caring, spell out in flaming letters why you don’t think you should be in any sketches, and I’m just gonna assume the next time I look up you two have taken the day off. Yeah, I don’t blame you. By popular demand, here’s Clockstoppers. So, seeing how this is the early 2000s, let’s shove down your throat what producers thought was the hottest trend at the time: Spy stuff. Yeah, for some reason, Hollywood thought spies were the biggest thing for a long time. Yet, I never saw any kids or adults really going that apeshit about it. Unless Kim Possible’s gonna say “What’s the Sitch?”, I don’t think this as big a hook as you think it is. The film opens with the ultimate stamp of approval, French Stewart, trying to get on a plane dressed as every suspicious killer known to man. Earl: I need a vacation real bad. NC: He demonstrates how a bill is turned into a law, but literally experiences pullback before he can buy the person’s ticket. [whooshing] *thud!* NC (as thug): Thought you could escape from Inspector Gadget 2, huh? Gates: I think it’s time you came back to work, Dr. Dopler. ♪ [Blink-182’s “All the Small Things”] ♪ NC: And again, seeing as how this is the early 2000s, we also get to experience the 90s trying to die! In fact, there’s so much of that in this film, let’s just do a.. *ding!* Number one: Blink-182: ♪ Always, I know ♪ ♪ You’ll be at my show ♪ NC (with valley-guy accent): C’mon, Mooooooom! Yer so laaaaaaame! (normal) We get a glimpse of our main character named Zak. He likes buying things from an antique store and selling them on eBay for double the price, presumably so he can get this car he has his eye on. Mm, give ’em points for showing all that visually without any dialogue. But deduct a point, because it almost never comes into the goddamn story. Yeah, in the tapestry of the plot, this thread is literally the SIZE OF A THREAD! But his father who’s a teacher is holding a car. That connects, right? At a point? Dr. Gibbs: And along comes… Eddie, in his Ferrari. [students laugh] Eddie: Hey, c’mon, that could happen. Totally. NC: Okay, I already WISH the movie was about him. But nope. It’s about Zak and his father who is so involved with his science that he doesn’t have time for his son. Yeah, THAT thing. Dr. Gibbs: You remember Earl Dopler, don’t cha? He’s one of the best students that ever passed– Zak: That FREAK?! Who used to come over and eat a lot of potato salad!
Dr. Gibbs: *laughing* Dr. Gibbs: He isn’t a freak! He’s… a little eccentric. NC: Y’know, Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole in your head? Dr. Gibbs: Let-let’s just say that, uh, hypothetically speaking,
Zak: Yeah. it were possible to accelerate your molecular structure until the rest of the world seemed as if it were standing still. [complete silence] Zak: Cool. NC: Does it also have the power to mute the soundtrack? What HAPPENED there? Dr. Gibbs: …until the rest of the world seemed as if it were standing still. NC: Alright, STOP!…………. Hammertime! ♪ [MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”] ♪ NC: He meets up with his friend named Meeker… *ding!* at paintball… *ding! again* so they can partake in ZANY black friend antics! *ding! once more*
[Meeker imitating scratching turntables] A-go Meeker! A-go Meeker! Gonna get FAAAACED! [more turntable imitations]
Zak: Hey, hey-hey-hey-hey! Hey! NC: Yeeeeah, let’s be honest, that cliché’s never gonna die. But Zak get the hots for a Venezuelan girl named Francesca. Zak: She goes to our school?!
Meeker: Mmmmmm-HM! Zak: That’s gotta be good for attendance. [paintgun goes SPLAT!] Zak:*cough* NC: I’ll just assume that was meant to be taken EXACTLY how you’re taking it. Zak: ‘Scuse, me, hi! Do you have the time? NC (as Francesca): Yes, not for you. [ba-dum-TISS!] Zak: Thought maybe you needed somebody to show you around- Francesca: I try to be brave, exploring the town all by myself, when all I really want is to be… *inhale* giving my love to the very first BOZO who wants to know the time. NC (as Zak): I know you turned me down, but after looking at the script, you ARE gonna do EXACTLY what you just said you’re gonna do, right? (normal) Zak then goes home to his economically-struggling family, who get by on the low paychecks they save up- [chuckling] Nah, nah, just kidding! They’re rich. *ding!* Bratty Teenage Daughter: You’re SO lucky you’re an only child. NC: Uhh, I think the REAL timestopper is in her HAIRDO. Why don’t we rework our counter there? *80s ding!* Nyuh, this doesn’t feel right. Let’s get this back on track! [guitar riff] *Back to the 90s ding!* MUCH better! [same guitar riff] [knock on the door]
Zak: Come in! NC (as Zak): *scoff* I’m teenage boy-ing, dad! Dr. Gibbs: This is my itinerary, and my hotel, in case you need to get in touch with me. Zak: Have fun with your science friends. NC: Zak is still having trouble connecting with his father, which disturbs his mother, Julia Sweeney. *ding!* Dr. Gibbs: We’ll work it out when I get back.
[guitar riff] [guitar riff] NC: There’s actually more truth to that than you know. The two of them don’t address this connection again until the last twelve minutes of this movie. I guess the best way to identify not having him there is LITERALLY not having him there. But C’MON! We just figured out how to do Matrix effects so much, we can put it in kids’ films. When are we gonna be able to show that off? Well, it turns out Stewart is a scientist who’s forced to use the time-hacking device to figure out how to perfect it for an evil government baddie played by Michael Biehn: the only man to DIE in cinema more than Sean Bean. In fact, even their last names kinda sound alike. Actually, why do we never see ’em in the same room? [scare chord] *GASP* OLD MAN BIEHN!?! Scooby-Doo: Ruh-oh! NC: Give Stewart some credit as he’s actually playing this role a little less goofy than he usually does, as a tortured scientist who’s turning older the more he uses the device. (snickering) In fact, it’s actually BIEHN, the SERIOUS actor, who’s acting a little bit more goofy in these scenes! Earl: I sent him a watch. Gates: You IDIOT!!!!!!! (in a hushed tone): I want that watch back. NC: Good lord, you can use his teeth as a vegetable cutter!
[slicing noise] Those sucker’s a KILLER!
[slicing noise] [slicing noise] Earl: I mean, I’m still waiting on some data from a friend. Gates : A FRIEND??? Earl: You can trust this guy. NC (as Gates): Don’t make me perch my lips like I’m gonna blow a whistle again. *tweeeeeeeet* (normal): But even bigger troubles are afoot, as Zak and Meeker go up against some bullies. Bully #1: You trippin’ on some bad lunch meat? NC: Um… I said “BULLIES”. Can you two move out of the way so I can see where the bullies are? Bully #1: Hey, yo, yo, yo, I ain’t ON him, alright? NC: Oh, wait…. THEY’RE the bullies?! Um… *chuckles* Are you sure they aren’t the PRACTICE bullies before they go up against the REAL ones? I’m… QUITE positive you could very easily kick their asses! It’s like fighting Stephen Baldwin from Bio-Dome and that guy who ran Mondo Burger! This is not particularly threatening! Meeker: GO MEEKER! *splash!* Meeker: *coughing* “Practice” bullies: *laughing* Bully #1: Later, jerkwad! NC: *stammers* There’s nothing we can do! He’s half our size and he had soda! The Geneva Convention is very clear about this. They next seem to be hitting on Francesca, who ALSO appears to choose soda as her weapon of choice. ♪ [The Legend of Zelda’s “Item Get!” jingle] ♪ Bully #2: I got a hole for ya. *crash!*
Teacher: Hey! That’s a perfectly good trash can! Don’t be throwing students at it. NC (bemused): Particularly weird line. What do you think she said after the Kennedy assassination? (as Trash Can Teacher): Hey, that was a nice car! Don’t go putting holes in it! KIDS! Francesca: I didn’t need any help. NC (as Zak): Yeah, I know, I was hoping YOU could help ME. Could you protect me from those bullies? (normal): So Zak shows his thanks for helping him up by inviting himself over to her house, where she says he can help her with gardening. Because, she’s… CLEARLY dressed for THAT! But earlier, Zak stumbles across his dad’s inventions, mistaking it for junk, and takes away a watch that, you guessed it, makes him go super-fast, making everything else seem slow. And echoey for no reason. Zak (echoing): Go! Go-go-go, get outta here! Don’t make me kick your ass! *echoey kung-fu noises* NC: Does over-the-top fake karate count-
*ding!* Okay. He thinks the animal is dead, but when he zaps out of hypertime, it’s alive and well. Zak: Ooohh, boy. Ooohhhh.
Francesca: *shrieking* NC: Ah, yeah, Miss “I Don’t Need Your Help”! When a threat’s a-brewin’, you sure know how to wave your wrists and go “EEEEEEEEEEEE!” You have the badass qualities of a HOUSEWIFE from a Tom & Jerry cartoon! [beeping and loud whooshing] Oh, NO! We got put in a John Woo movie! Flaming doves: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! NC: Soon, they discover thay can both use the watch to move super-fast, and… again, to this movie’s credit, they use it pretty much the way any kid WOULD use it: Acting like little assholes. Francesca: There’s that woman who’s always giving me parking tickets. Look at her! She writes them before the meter even expires. NC: Let’s put her in front of a moving car!! 😀 Zak: Shall we? Francesca: Make it so, Number One. What?
Zak: *laughing* We have Star Trek in Venezuela. Zak: Do it. NC: There’s only so far your First Contact cred can go, Xanatos. Of course, insanity ensues to the wrongdoers, Francesca’s skirt almost gets us a PG-13, and they’re off to see their friend Meeker take on the bullies at a record-scratching competition. ♪ [hip-hop beat so ’90s it hurts] ♪ Ohhh, just throw TWENTY *ding*
on there. I don’t have time to count them ALL! But it turns out Meeker REALLY SUCKS at record scratching. Sooooo… Why would you enter a contest you know you’d be awful at? Meeker: [crappy scratching]
Crowd: *booing* Francesca: He really is not very smooth, is he? NC: Yeah, that’s a shame. Now DJ BEAKER! THAT would be a jam! Beaker: ♪ Mi-mi-mo-mo-mow, Mi-mo-mow! Mi! Mi! MI! ♪
[hip-hop beat] ♪ Mi-mi-mo-mo-mow, Mi-mo-mow! Mi! Mi! MI! ♪
[hip-hop beat] [hip-hop beat] NC: Zak has an idea, though, as they start moving Meeker around in hypertime to make it look like he’s doing a bunch of crazy dance moves. Ummmmmmm…… ¡Tengo preguntas! The watch makes them move fast. NOT be invisible. If he moved at the speed they were showing, all people would see is a BLUR, and his brain’d probably fall out of his ears! Second: Does Meeker just think he’s possessed? He’s smiling and having fun, but I’d be like… The devil is IN ME!! I AM THE BEGINNING OF HIS EVIL REIGN!!! Third: How are they even keeping in beat with the music if they’re moving at different time lengths? They sure are keeping step pretty good! Fourth: Those pants! I… know that doesn’t connect as much, but you look like a midlife crisis on the lower half of Bill Murray! *ding!* No, don’t count that. I… I don’t know WHAT that is! [crowd chanting “Go Meeker!”] NC: Nickelodeon presents…. What we’re PRETTY sure kids are into! ….we think. ♪ [NC intermission] ♪ Doug Walker: Hey, guys! Just a reminder: C2E2 is this weekend in Chicago, and I will be at booth 387 saying “hi” to everyone. So come on by, and say “hello”. ♪ [end of NC intermission] ♪ NC: After a fun night of power and pleasure, Zak and Francesca seem to be getting closer. ♪ [sappy romantic music] ♪ Francesca: What? I wanted to kiss you. NC: Well, yeah, we kinda put that together. Zak makes it home still in hypertime, only to find people have broken into his home, moving at the same speed. Okay, does that ALSO mean they’re moving in hypertime, or is this just inconsistency #72 now? ♪ [suspenseful music] ♪ NC (as Zak): Ohhhhh, I hope Gizmo’s okay. [whooshing] ♪ [chase music] ♪ NC (as Zak): HA! While you were showing off, I ran away! Idiot! [smack] (normal): He comes across Stewart, though, who tries to get the watch back, while also trying to escape the bad guys. Zak: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Goofy holler* [ker-splash] NC: He gets away from the hospital he’s put up in dressed as a cop, but realizes he needs help. Ehhhhhh, someone less annoying. *pop!* That’ll do! He goes back to Francesca’s house, whose family is in the middle of filming an Olive Garden commercial. Vintage Olive Garden ad: The Olive Garden Italian restaurant: Where all the best of Italy is yours!™ Zak: I know this sounds weird, and it’s the last thing you want to hear from a guy after one date, but… the cops are looking for me… NC: Pfft! Again, there’s some funny lines in this movie! This actually isn’t that poorly-written dialogue. Francesca: You raked my leaves. I can’t let you go alone. NC: Most of the time. You say weird things. So like she said, she’s not letting him go alone. She’s with him all the way to the very- *snoring* But they’re abducted by Stewart, who once again wants the watch back, but faces resistance. Zak: That’s actually not- *kick*
Earl: Oooooh! Earl: Limber. *thud!* NC: All in favor of French Stewart never calling a girl “limber”- Thank you. They take him to the Hotel La Bleeding-Eye Wallpaper where they try to get some answers. Zak: This is REALLY messed up! Earl: Wha- how do you think I feel?! Francesca: I think he’s lying. Do you want me to kick him again? Zak: Yeah, all right. NC: I don’t like that look he gave her. I think you should stay VERY FAR AWAY from that girl. Zak: Well, then I can just drop you off at QT. I’m sure Gates would LOVE to have you back. Now. Can you fix this? NC: Why do we cut to a shot of her coming out of the bathroom? It’s not a PROBLEM, I guess… just odd. Actually, I think that’s the description on the back of the box. So they go to an annual science convention, to get materials to build liquid nitrogen guns to freeze anyone in hypertime. This convention is SO popular, even directors make cameos at it. He’s shaking his head, saying “Man, I wanted some Borg eye-gouging in THIS movie. But it’s a NICK film!” Earl: You’re starting to sound like your dad. “Let’s step back, look at our options” Zak: Shut up! I’m nothing like him. Earl: Oh, c’mon. I meant it as a compliment, alright? NC (as Earl): I just wanted to remind you your connection with your dad is still a thing. Zak: I can sell that on eBay! NC: Oh, and eBay! That’s still a thing, too! You still interested in that car? Whatever happened to Meeker? They gear up in their Ghostbusters/Mario Sunshine gear, and start freezing the other people in hypertime at the bad guys’ headquarters. But, they get caught and show that they’ve kidnapped Zak’s dad to figure out how to use hypertime without aging. But when government agents led by the asshole doctor from Scrubs want the information the villains have, Gates: You can’t come in! Dr. Kelso VO: What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn’t give a crap? [in a funny voice]: Bob Kelso! NC: They get in their intimidating black cars, *ding* and rush the building. However, the bad guys decide to put the whole building in hypertime and kill our heroes. So Zak figures out how to do hypertime IN hypertime. Or as Fry calls it, the 100th cup of coffee. [electronic whooshing] Dr. Gibbs: Your molecules are moving so fast, your hand went right through the table. Francesca: Are you okay? Zak: I have no idea. NC (as Dr. Gibbs): So, how are we able to speak to you? Are you just saying things very slowly and being UNBELIEVABLY patient with us? (normal) Oh, wait, wait, I’ve seen this. Demi Moore says “ditto”, and than it goes into the Close Encounters ship. It’s a tearjerker every time! [whoosh] I guess fittingly, the hyper-hypertime goes pretty quick, and he isn’t in it for very long, but it’s just long enough to pull the lever to set them free. But Biehn gets the drop on them. Gates: Hey! [spraying liquid nitrogen] Gates: Say goodnight, little maaan. NC: *amused scoff* He said that like a third-grade bully. So… the big bullies are just non-threats, and the actual threat is just a big bully? I feel like all the villains are just a few steps behind in this movie. But Stewart comes in to save the day, and everybody is finally reunited with their families. Mrs. Gibbs: Oh, thank God you’re okay! NC (as Mrs. Gibbs): I had a role in this movie! It had lines and everything. (normal) The father even made an anti-aging device to get French Stewart back to his actual young age. Young Earl (with French Stewart’s voice): Oh, hey, Mrs. G., how’s it hangin’? Mrs. Gibbs: Dopler?!? NC: Okay, I somehow DOUBT French Stewart looked like that as a kid! He can actually open his eyes. [zoom] [police siren] [whoosh] NC (as Zak): Ha-HAAAA!! Soon, the world will know our wrath! Mercy is for the DEAD!!! (normal) So that was Clockstoppers, and… it’s really not that bad. ♪ [generic hip music] ♪ The biggest flaw is probably its main characters, who are written a little too generic. And once in a while, there’s a science detail that, even in a kids’ film, is a LITTLE distracting. But the adult actors are a lot of fun, the idea’s still creative, it has some inventive shots, and even the effects, for the most part, hold up pretty well. It’s definitely a corny time capsule in both plot and identity, but as kids’ action flicks go, it’s… okay. While there’s a lot to make fun of, there’s also a lot of fun to make, too. So, yeah… I know this isn’t really as angry as you’d expect… Ummm…. But Nickelodeon STILL MADE THE LAST AIRBENDER!! [canned booing] OOOOOHHHH! NEVER FORGIVE! NEVER FORGET! OOOOOHHHH! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and… THIS WAS AN ANGRY REVIEW! OOOOOHHHH! [canned booing continues, then fades out] ♪ [NC conclusion] ♪ Trash Can Teacher: That’s a perfectly good trash can! Don’t be throwing students at it. Doug: Hey, Doug Walker here, doing the Charity Shout-Out, and this week, we are doing the American Liver Foundation. Their mission is to facilitate, advocate, and promote education, support, and research for the prevention, treatment, and cure of Liver Disease. These values guide their work as volunteers and staff members move towards their goal of a world without this disease. Research is integral to their work and is essential to improving treatment and finding cures. Many forms of liver disease are preventable and many more can be cured if detected early. Yet, tens of thousands of Americans don’t even know that they’re living with it. They take a leadership role in advocating on behalf of the millions of Americans living with the illness as well as their families. If you go to their site www.youtube.com/user/americanliver
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